Blog Layout

Leaning in to missing out

8 July 2022
What does a good holiday mean to you?

A flurry of social activities with visits to friends and family? Outings, expeditions, and new destinations explored? Or do you tackle those jobs around the house that have been staring reproachfully at you all year?  Amidst all of that, how much of your annual leave will be spent in a leisurely way? Enjoying real leisure time is harder than we think, for many reasons, and something we are collectively failing to do well. Here's why, and how we can polish up our rusty leisure habits this summer.

Firstly, we’re not great at even taking our annual leave.  A 2018 Glassdoor study found that ‘40% of employees do not take their full annual leave entitlement because they are too busy’. Even when we do take it, we rarely switch off completely and often ‘keep an eye’ on work matters with our devices never far from reach.  In today’s world of 24/7 connectedness and blurry work/life boundaries, it takes a lot of discipline and willpower to detach from work and be fully focused on our home lives.  Ben Higgins, Managing Director and UK Head of Human Resources at Societe Generale and Chair of the City HR Association, recently spoke on my podcast (starts at 20m 20s) about how he manages to do this despite being in a very senior role with a big workload and team to manage.

Secondly, slowing down can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.  Even when we switch off our devices and physically stop working our brain often carries on churning at top speed, trapped in its ceaseless drum of activity like a never-ending spin cycle.  We’re so used to constantly consuming incoming information, checking media updates and juggling competing demands on our attention that we can feel twitchy and restless when we try and stop. I often feel in a hurry to get past this uncomfortable stage of disconnecting into a more zen-like mental relaxation, and am reminded of the exhortation to ‘Hurry up and slow down’ that the energetic, impatient Hare implores of the glacially-paced Tortoise in the wonderful children’s book of the same name.

Finally, in today’s purpose-driven world, we often feel compelled to use our downtime profitably.  Instead of simply ‘being’ we fill our leisure time with ‘doing’ and even ‘achieving’, whether that’s ticking ambitions off our bucket list, starting projects we’ve been meaning to get round to doing, or simply filling our time up with pre-planned activity until there’s no space left. As in many families, my husband and I both work so we face the practical need to arrange a certain amount of activities and childcare during the school holidays. But aside from that, every year I tell myself I won’t fill up the calendar completely but leave it open for long, invitingly empty days, clinging onto the vision of us all lazing in the garden or pottering on the beach. But as fliers for theatre offers, kids activities and local open days tumble temptingly into my inbox like the Hogwarts invitations spewing out of the Dursleys’ fireplace in Harry Potter, I can’t resist the urge to say yes to some of them. Is it FOMO or discomfort with boredom? Probably a bit of both, if I’m honest. But suddenly I realise I’ve passed the tipping point and I start to panic there’ll be no clear days before  we’re gearing up again for autumn.

So how do we get better at stopping? At embracing leisure properly, without deadlines or self-imposed objectives? Some words of wisdom on this from books I’ve been reading in my 2022 reading challenge, #ReclaimTimeToRead, keep coming back to me:
  • In Overwhelmed: work, love and play when no-one has the time, Brigid Schulte says ‘constantly choosing leisure is the first step to reclaiming it’. We have to actively choose leisure over all the other possible choices we could make, or it simply doesn’t happen. That means consciously choosing not to do other things, like check our phones, reach for our to-do list or squeeze in a quick errand. 
  • Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit: why we do what we do and how to change, explains how habits are at the root of how we behave and by observing and adjusting the cues or triggers, we can change our routines more successfully. When the first few moments of idle time arrive, do we instinctively reach for our phones out of habit or look for something to do? If so, putting our devices and to-do lists out of sight in a bag or drawer and putting something more enticing within reach (sunhat and book?) can help break that cycle.
  • And in one of my favourite books ever, Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman reminds us that when it comes to choosing how we spend our time, ‘there are hard choices to be made: which balls to let drop, which people to disappoint; which cherished ambitions to abandon; which roles to fail at’. Slowing down means saying no to things we’d like to say yes to and to my earlier FOMO point, leaning in to missing out.
I’m going to be practising some of these things over the next few weeks, so if I don’t reply to your email, if I politely decline your invitation or if my house and garden are a total mess, it’s not that I don’t care. I’m simply stopping the clock, flexing my rusty leisure 'muscles' and hopefully discovering the upsides of missing out. Are you in too? Let’s swap notes on the other side. 

PS. If this blog has touched a deeper, nagging concern that life is rushing by and you're not living it the way you'd like to, then join me in October to transform the way you think about, and spend, your time.

Enjoyed reading this? Share it with others

Recent blogs

19 March 2025
How often do you get the luxury of extended, undisturbed time? Is there a quiet space or magical place you retreat to? I’m writing this in a silent house, up early before the rest of the family. All I can hear is the scratching of my ink pen on the paper and the cooing and chirruping of garden birds outside my window. No voices, machines, traffic, notifications or interruptions. I can hear myself think, there’s no-one calling for my attention and the jobs can wait. But at any minute, this brief lull will crumble. It's hard to get extended, undisturbed time. Many of us are spending less time in our home offices now more organisations have encouraged – or mandated – more in-office working. The majority of people still work a structured hybrid patterns, but likely 1-2 days per week at most at home. Not that home-working is typically quieter – diaries are still largely stuff with calls, messaging channels ping continously and the home distractions of pets demanding attention, chatty home-working partners, texts from teenagers at school or – my pet peeve – couriers knocking on the door, dropping the parcel outside and driving straight off while I’m halfway down the stairs thinking I’m needed. Our focus time is bounded by each interruption or intrusion into our attention. Some people I know say they need background noise to help them concentrate. At least 2 CEO’s I’ve spoken to prefer doing calls and emails in cafés and their office’s buzzy atrium where the constant hum of voices and hissing and thumping of coffee macines provide a cloack of anonymity around even sensitive conversations. Whatever your preference environment-wise, it turns out that noisy ones are actually damaging to our health; anything above the maximum recommended noise level of 53 decibels is described as a ‘ silent killer ’. A quiet library falls under this, your average office above it. Quiet time isn’t just about the decibel level, it’s also about freedom from distraction and interruptions. As I was telling over 200 sixth-form students at an Enterprise and Innovation conference a week ago, our brains prefer to focus on one task at a time and maintain an extended attention set – to get into ‘flow’, in other words. In terms of cognitive functioning, that’s when we are at peak performance. Every time our attention is tugged away from the task at hand, research has shown that it takes us over 2 seconds to reorient back to the task at hand. Known as the toggling tax, this happens on average up to 1,200 times per day, costing us 4 hours a week or 5 full weeks per year of lost attention, wasted time and reduced productivity. Ouch. So there’s a strong case for designing work environments that allow people to concentrate in quiet spaces and office design today is increasingly factoring this in. Co-working hubs and corporate offices now offer quiet zones where calls and conversations are not permitted; individual work spaces that look like padded, high-wall cubicles block out the rustling or key board tapping of workers either side; and individual sound-proofed call booths that keep noise leakage to a minimum. I’ve learnt the hard way to be more selfish with my quiet time when I’m writing, silencing notifications on my phone, putting noise cancelling headphones on and shutting the door to our companionable, aka needy, cat (and my companionable but not needy husband). I’ve been reminded this week of the power of quiet time and a restorative environment: I was fortunate to spend 2 nights at the UK’s only privately-owned national nature reserve in a luxury eco-cabin (hot shower and log burner included) overlooking 3,300 acres of marshland, big skies and an incredible array of wildlife. Having discovered it last year, I’d booked myself in again as a reward for getting to the ¾ milestone in writing People Glue and an incentive to crack on with the last 12,500 words as the manuscript deadline looms. In the magical peace and quiet, I wrote close to 3,000 words there – my average weekly output in just over a day – in long, undisturbed stretches punctuated only by my daily run, short walks to clear my head and the arrival of delicious dinners brought to my door. The biggest distraction was the wildlife outside the cabin’s huge glass windows: a mesmerisingly beautiful, shadowy-eyed short-eared owl did its utmost to persuade me to look up from my writing with its swooping, gliding and head-swivelling display. Hares bounded around playfully as buzzards, marsh- and hen-harriers patrolled hungrily overhead. A tiny wren skipped across my patio, tapping its beak on the glass doors, tail cocked up jauntily. No school runs, no pets to feed, no work calls, no washing macines to load, not unattended chores in sight nagging me reproachfully - I am very grateful to my wonderful husband for holding the fort at home so I could steal away. Perhaps you would prefer the cosmopolitan buzz of a city or a sunlounger beside a gleaming hotel pool - I wouldn’t say no to either at a different time. But soaking up this solitude, my time felt unbounded and that felt the biggest luxury of all. It has reminded me of the importance of consciously planned quiet time, ideally somewhere magical, for our wellbeing, our creativity and the quality of our thinking. I’m just wondering how soon I can book a return visit….
11 February 2025
When a tech-savvy grandmother outpaces her teenage granddaughter in adopting AI, it's a reminder that the freedom to grow knows no age limits.
Man lying on his back on the grass, arms behind his head, looking up at a blue sky and puffy clouds
8 January 2025
Got a goal in mind for 2025? These 4 questions could help you turn it into reality.
22 November 2024
Growing successfully as a business means first letting go of old ways of operating; only then can people fully embrace the new.
16 October 2024
Teams are what make or break business performance. With a relatively small investment in each team, your retention rates, employee engagement scores, and productivity measures will go up.
5 September 2024
How to encourage this in a way that works for your business. There is a real and urgent need to address the creeping norm of employees working all hours, being contactable and available all the time. But Labour’s recent abandoning of a legal ‘right to disconnect’ in favour of a voluntary code of practice is probably the right move, in my humble opinion. Here are 5 reasons why, 5 ways to make switching off a win/win for you and your organisation, and 5 positive actions to put into practice now. Why legislation is too blunt a tool: Heavy-handed legislation will probably antagonise businesses, not secure their support. There's more to do first to spotlight organisations that are managing the boundaries well between working & non-working time well and proving the business benefits. It’s too early to say confidently how well similar legislation has worked abroad. Australia only adopted this last month; the longer-standing fine-based approach in France and Portugal isn't proven as an effective deterrent. Human-centred organisations are probably already paying attention to this, being creative about work boundaries and using their approach to enhance their employer brand. They'll be the ones who proactively adopt the code of practice and make it genuinely part of ‘the way we work here’ - and they'll win at attracting and retaining talented people longer-term as a result. ‘But clients will go elsewhere’. This is the defence I often hear in rejection of proposals like the right to disconnect. No, client won't IF you engage them in the change and show them that it means they get to access your sharpest minds working at their best,. When organisations see their early-adopter competitors living the code and still winning & keeping desirable clients - and nabbing theirs - they’ll swiftly follow suit. Let’s be clear: some people will continue to say yes to high pay/exciting work in return for ‘you’ll work whenever when we need you ‘. But it’ll be a transactional relationship lasting for as long as it benefits the individual (or employer) and no longer. Easy come, easy go. If that’s your philosophy as an employer: own it and be transparent. Don’t sign the code and pay it lip service. If yours IS an organisation that wants to do better at encouraging employees to switch off, try: 1. Using Labour’s shift to open up conversations at work about pressures to communicate or be available after hours. 2. Adding ‘we support the right to disconnect’ in your recruitment material and having examples to share with candidates during interviews. 3. Supporting selected managers and their teams to trial different experiments around switching off. 4. Asking people ‘how can we help you do to your best work within your normal working hours?’. ‘What gets in the way of this?’. 5. Setting up an industry-wide collaboration to trial different ways of achieving the same outcome. Asynchronous and flexible working are here to stay and bring many benefits to individuals and their employers. But they can make it a challenge to co-ordinate and communicate within teams and across time zones. Here's what you can do personally to uphold the right to switch off and respect other people's non-working time: Add an email footer like: 'I'm sending this now because it suits me but I'm not expecting a response outside of normal working hours'. Work offline if you're working late evenings or weekends, so you're not visible on Teams/whatever channels you use, and schedule your emails to send the next day to avoid the ripple effect of people responding immediately. If people on your team have repeatedly worked late or sacrificed home lives to help reach a deadline, then give them some time back straight afterwards. It's simple and effective. If you're a manager, find out people's preferences around being contacted - or not - during out of hours or when on leave. Everyone's different, so make it your job to know. See annual leave as an opportunity for a colleague to step up and have some stretch experience by covering for you, with support beforehand. Then switch off properly and don't muddy the water by dipping in and out unasked. Listen to my podcast conversation with Ben Higgins, Global CHRO of Wholesale Banking at Societe Generale, about how he does this. These examples are about applying #timeintelligence. If you want to know more about my #timeintelligence sessions for leaders, teams and individuals, get in touch . And if you're making good progress in your organisation on switching off - or at least trialling a few changes - then I'd love to hear more. During normal working hours, of course.
View from a hill top of a promontory surrounded on both sides by open water.
16 July 2024
Managing the school holiday juggle and announcing book 2!
Image of a lit beacon at dusk with a view across green countryside.
13 June 2024
What does it cost us to be always rushing ahead? What are we missing by not pausing to look back?
17 May 2024
When sticking stops. A barn owl perched observantly on a post in front of me, a heron gliding by like a feathered Concorde with its wings tucked in. Just two of the birds I’ve spotted today whilst working at UK’s only family-owned and managed National Nature Reserve, at Elmley in Kent. I’m not working in the sense of checking on wildlife and mending fences, I’m working in the sense of enjoying an indulgent writing retreat in glorious isolation, tucked away in a definitely-not-roughing-it wooden cabin complete with outdoor tub overlooking meadows and marshes (more pics here ). This retreat is both a long-anticipated birthday gift from my family and the official starting point for writing my second business book. It’s been brewing in my head for months and is now begging loudly to be given some proper love and attention. So here I am, off-grid in every sense with nowhere else to go and nothing else to do for 24 hours than plan and write. Write what? I hear you ask…
Show More
Share by: